I am an African

 I am an African

 

I am an African

I am an African I don't do cold

I am an African.

Or am I?

Am I a half African or just a quarter?

What do you call me when I don't have melanin but the sun knows my name

They would call me white

Dutch, German European

But I am an African

Sawubona: I see you

Ubuntu: I am because you are

Yet I don't have the rhythms of  a child

A child swaddled always dancing on its mother's back

I am an African

Although I didn't have to go hungry

Or bleed for my treasure, my rights

I am an African

Although I didn't grow up with violence breathing down my throat

I am an African

My nose dances when rain hits the dust

I am an African

My heart bleeds, then becomes numb as I read yet another tragedy

I am an African

Cut me up and I will bleed

Bleed red like the fertile soil 

I am an African, even though I never knew slavery or apartheid or colonisation

I am an African

White born under the raging sun

I am an African 

She is my heritage

She is my mother

She is my home

I am a European African

Both cold and warm

I am an African 

She brought me up

She showed me how

She made me cry

She made me whole

Love found a way

 You trusted God to write the story

Despite the pain, the yearning and groaning

Knowing He had the wisdom and plan

This journey unexpected, taken by surprise

Authored by the Master of 'Suddenly'

And found bone of your bone and flesh of your flesh

Found a love that crosses oceans

Not of fairy tales & honeymoon phases

But orchestrated before the beginning of time

A piece of paradise redeemed

Bask in the glory beyond compare

Shoulder to shoulder

Face to face

Hand in hand

Blow the Ruach into fragile dreams

Drink from the fountain of His love 

Let Jesus refresh your wine

Let your love be a shelter

Let there be a willingness to serve, 

A willingness to Koester

A willingness to lose the fight

Knowing He is the wings when you fail and fall

Do not loose the magic and wonder

Of love sealed by the covenant of blood 

Let your hearts be intwined and held by the vine

Forever held by the cross 

Knowing love found a way

GHOST

GHOST

Knock knock, anybody home?

Hello hello you said

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye you meant

Ships passing each other by.

A ghost you were,

A ghost you have been

And a ghost you will remain. 

A love hoped for; yet not ready to be grasped.

The waiting has been long

Faith dried up; hope deferred makes the heart sick

And want to settle for less

and stop trusting for the best

Oh my soul, don't sell yourself short

Don't fall for the lie, or settle for crumbs

Don't forget who and whose you are

Loved, cherished; bought with a price 

Return to your first love;

Let your heart hope and feel

A love that is faithful, a love that is real

Goodbye a knife to the heart

A dream that must die

Yet I'm no Juliet, and my life no tragedy 

I live on the mountain of Jehovah-Jireh 

I choose to trust Emmanuel 

and say goodbye Mr Ishmael

I choose to wait for my Isaac,

who will make me laugh, hold me when I cry

Be here for the good, the bad, the ugly and the ordinary 

I choose to trust and become intertwined

With the one who holds all time

In Him who appears in my storm ridden night

He remains faithful, He remains real

Even if you remain a ghost 

A New Day Dawning

Spring has arrived, flowers are in bloom, the air is fresh and the fragrance is sweet. The Lord spoke to me recently and said “It’s a new day dawning.”

 

Song of Solmon 2:10-13 “My beloved spoke and said to me, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.”

It is time for us to arise, arise out of old habits, old ways of thinking, old and skewed ways of viewing the world. God is doing a new thing (Isa 43:18). It is time to let go of the comfortable old ways we did things, old thinking patterns and let Him renew our minds. In this new season we cannot take old wineskins with us, we need to be adaptable, flexible to Him so that he can fill us with His new wine (Matthew 9:17).

Song of Solmon 2: 15 “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.” This shows we need to guard our relationship with God, and beaware of the things that draw us away from what God is doing in our hearts. It may be an unhealthy relationship, a dependence on food rather than God or many other things. Let us trust the Lord to show us the foxes in our lives, so we can deal with them.

There is an excitement in my spirit about the newness of life that God is wanting to do in and through His people. It is a season of knowing Jesus as our beloved, as the one worthy of all our affection, devotion and time. Let us be willing to let go of the old to embrace the new of what He has for us. Let us arise to the new dawn He has for us.

May God bless you with a new dawn, may He smile upon you and be gracious to you as He brings new life into dead situations. 

My 5x7; 7x5

A longing so deep

Groanings of the soul

Accusations and lies that feel true

Shame an unwanted constant companion 

Loneliness creeps in

Set ups and let downs 

Hope deferred which sickens the heart

 

Am I only the outward appearance,

A wrapper slowly fading with the passing of time

As I reach my 5x7; 7x5

And the biological clock ticks louder

LOUDER and LOUDER

 

The number 40 ticking in my mind

The number 40 ticking in my body

LOUDER and LOUDER

In the comments; in the silence

In the gossip

 

Find your satisfaction in God,

But how do I get there 

When my flesh is groaning

When society laughs

When fellow believers have given up

And the enemy whispers: “It’s too late”

LOUDER and LOUDER

 

I take a breath, which reminds me again

He is the breath of life

This God of the 11th hour

Who laughs with Sarah,

Who waits three days for resurrection.

 

He who holds time in His hands,

He whispers and calls me beautiful, His bride.

I am reminded that while there is breath there is hope.

So, I shake off the accusations,

Shake off the shame and remind myself

That this is the year of the multiplication of grace and perfection

My 5x7; 7x5

He will perfect all that concerns me,

He will give me grace in the waiting

 

So I hold unto His hand,

Hold unto His promises

As I wait and groan in my 5x7; 7x5

Come

 Lord come and heal my wayward heart

Come set this poisoner free

I want to let go, to let God;

Yet I find it so hard...

Come and let your grace meet me in this place,

this place of darkness, this place of fear.

Meet me in this place of heavy tears and heavy heart.

Let your faithfulness shower the desert of my doubt

I want to see you in this place,

So come and meet me in this place.

Amen

Stuck in the mud

Have you ever felt stuck? Like the game we played in childhood, where you can't move. Just going through the motions, just same old and more same old. You want to move forward but unsure how, you desire change but are scared of the pain that comes with it. So you remain stuck immobile. What keeps us stuck?

It could be a seasonal thing, are like winter where there seems no growth but the growth is happening on the inside. It could be fear, fear of stepping out in faith, of doing something different, of the unknown and of the rejection or the failure  that may come. So we choose to remain stuck. Sometimes there just seem to many choices, and in the desire to choose the best we remain stuck in the valley of indecision.

I believe that God takes us from glory to glory. As 2 Corinthians 3:18 says,  We "are constantly being transfigured into His very own image in ever increasing splendor and from one degree of glory to another" That God has greater things in store for us than living constantly in that place of indecision. I love the advice from my sweet granny, "Make a decision and stick to it". Yes pray about the decision, yes acknowledge God (see Proverbs 3:5-6), then He will straighten our paths. But not making a decision shows that fear is ruling over faith. 

Let us let go of the idea of the perfect choice, the fear that hold us back. Let us allow the Holy Spirit to touch us and free us so we are no longer stuck in the mud. 

May God bless you with freedom to make choices, may He smile upon the choices you make with Him and may He be with you in the decisions you make. 

Beauty of imperfection

Our society hold up perfection as the be all and end all. Every party, every meal seems to need to meet the impossible standard of perfection of the comparison of filtered Instagram pictures. This leads to us putting up masks, not allowing a friend just to pop over without a thorough clean. This leads to us feeling we cannot truly live, and others do not truly know us.

Recently I was creating some art for a friends birthday, and as any artist knows what we have in our mind and what we have on paper never seems to match. As I was doing this I was pondering, "Art is the process of learning to let go of perfection and dealing with what is". I saw a boy do a picture, he kept saying "this isn't great, but it will do.. and I like it" I thought isn't that how all of our lives are, it isn't great or how we want it to be, but we can learn to appreciate it as it is. Because there is beauty in imperfection. 

May the LORD bless you to embrace your imperfections

May He keep you from the comparison trap

May He make His face shine upon you and your imperfect home

And may He give you peace through it all. 

Freedom (poem)

Unlock me is my prayer

Break down the walls, the barriers,

The words spoken over me that hold me back-

Hold me in invisible chains of hurts long past

Of wounds and words that consciously I forgot

Yet there ever present when I try to release my voice, my cry, the gifts inside.

Like a candle unlit, like a present still in its gift box

It is so needed that I break FREE

Break FREE to be all He has called me to be

Break FREE from religious chains; which shout don't do this don't do that.

FREE from fear of man which shouts what will they say?

FREE from performance of I have to be perfect, will I get a gold star and 100 Facebook likes and it's only good of it rhymes.

Lord come with Your truth,

Come with your sword

Come even if it hurts

Cut away the lies that hold me chained like a slave.

Break down the walls that have been built by rejection

Break down the fears that keep my talents hidden in the dirt

Break down the strongholds in my mind

There due to doubt, fear and mistrust.

Heal me of my disappointment and disillusion which lie behind the prison wall

Heal me from the pain of having tried before

Heal me of the lie of having failed

Set me free ...

For those whom the Son sets free are FREE indeed.

Make me like a bird, like a lover never hurt, like a child falling into her daddy's arms

Set me free, so I may set others free.

May my gifts become a lamp for the glory of your name

May all who see my freedom know that there is a God who sets Free

Poem: Set me free

 The past seems to haunt

The enemy taunts

Emotions rage

What is real and what is imagined?

My soul is heavy, too many burdens 

How to explain chains and fears

Are they even real?

Feeling stuck, going round and round

Condemnation, lies, uncertainty.

Just stuck in the mud...

Jesus come set this captive free

Free from chains that I cannot name,

Set me free as a bird to live and glorify your name. 

REJECTION

To a friend and all who have had their heart broken

No.

Not.

Not. Enough.

Never enough

So the lies devour my heart

Not.

Not smart enough.

Not pretty enough.

No.

Not ever enough.

No.

Not you.

Sorry.

Really?!

That's all you can say. 

Violence breathes violence.

Hate breads hate.

Asshole!

Tit for tat.

Take that!!!

The bitter poison enters my heart;

Men are evil.

I will never love.

The darkness takes over...

Then I hear a whisper,

faint as the wind

'I AM'

'I AM ENOUGH'

I chose you,

you are mine. 

You are chosen.

YES,

YES, YOU!

A thousand yeses to you!

Yes I love you. 

Yes I've got you.

Yes I chose you. 

Yes I made you.

Yes and amen!

Yes men are broken, like you,

Hurt people hurt people.

They are not irredeemable.

Come sit by me. 

Let my Yes sink in.

Yes. I love.

Yes. I love you. 

A thousand yeses to you!

I make you smart enough,

beautiful enough

You are enough in my enoughness.

Bring me the shards.

Bring me the lies.

Come sit by me.

Let my love sink in.

Let go of the hate.

Let me in.

Let my love remove the bitter poison

Of unforgiveness in your heart.

I know that underneath your hate,

Underneath your anger

is pain.

Come let me pour over you

My liquid love, my balm of Gilead

Oil for healing, detol for the soul.

Yes.

Yes. You.

Yes I love you

Always and Forever 

it is true.
A thousand yeses to you!

Without fear of the future

I'm writing in a time where everything is uncertain. No-one seems to know up from down, and the world has encountered a pandemic, which has given rise to much panic and much fear. No-one knows how long the COVID-19 crisis will last, or how long the economic effects of this will last. We are all asking ourselves when can we go back to NORMAL? A normal where I can hug whoever I want without a thought, a normal where people can get married, where worshipers can worship freely together in a big crowd. A colleague said we will never go back to normal, but rather to a 'new normal'. 

Yesterday this really sank in for me, that life will never be the same. No-one truly knows what the future holds, whether it be socially or economically. And this caused fear and anxiety to rise up in me, about my job, my dreams, my future. It's a scary thought to know you are not in control. It's not that you haven't faced hard times before;but it was your challenge while the world seemed stable. But now I face a moment in time where the crisis is not mine alone, but everyone around you is facing it too. And that is SCARY!!!

As a counsellor, and Christian I often feel the need to be strong, to have faith. But just because you are a Christian, and even a Christian leader does not mean you are always strong, or don't battle fear, disappointments, questions and doubt. We see even Paul had times of weakness (see 2 Cor 12:10). So yes, currently my faith is feeling a little wobbly!

So I reach for my Bible, and open 'randomly' to Isaiah 30, where verse 15 hits me: “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved." I need to return my heart, my mind away from the worries, fears, questions and refocus on God. I can rest because He is the finisher of my faith (Heb 12:2), the one who turns my weakness to strength (2 Cor 12:10) and is my peace (Eph 2:14). And so I turn my thoughts slowly back unto Jesus.

This morning I walked past a picture of my room based on Proverbs 31:25 "she laughs without fear of the future." And I realize again, that there is only way to live without fear of the future, which is trusting my unknown and uncertain future into the hands of a loving and known God, who has my future in His hands. And so it is my prayer that today in this uncertain day I would be found laughing at the time to come, for my God has got me! And He has got you!

May the peace of God, guard all our hearts and minds as we bring our anxieties to Him in prayer; being thankful that He has the future in His hands and hears our prayers. 

Life is short

I recently had a dream in which I died, when I woke up it made me think of Psalm 90:12 "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." The whole psalm speaks about God being from eternity, and we humans are dust, asking God to make our short days glad with his unfailing love. 

I have recently turned thirty-three, roughly the age Jesus died. So I have been thinking a bit about death, but thinking of death helps us think about life. I want to live each day aware of His presence and love, be found doing kingdom work. I do not want to waste my time, but to be found "redeeming the time, because the days are evil." (Ephesians 5:16). I want to accomplish the task and the calling God has for me. I want to finish all God has sent me to do on this earth. I desire to see more of heaven and God's realm on the earth in my life and those around me. May His kingdom invade earth wherever I go. 

This is why Psalm 90 ends in the following way, "May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us—yes, establish the work of our hands."

"Lead me Oh Lord, to use my days wisely, may you fill my heart with gladness all my days on this earth, may all who meet me get a touch, a taste and a fragrance of You. Help me to number my days, that I may gain a heart of wisdom. Satisfy me with your love, that I may be glad all my days. Amen"