My 5x7; 7x5

A longing so deep

Groanings of the soul

Accusations and lies that feel true

Shame an unwanted constant companion 

Loneliness creeps in

Set ups and let downs 

Hope deferred which sickens the heart

 

Am I only the outward appearance,

A wrapper slowly fading with the passing of time

As I reach my 5x7; 7x5

And the biological clock ticks louder

LOUDER and LOUDER

 

The number 40 ticking in my mind

The number 40 ticking in my body

LOUDER and LOUDER

In the comments; in the silence

In the gossip

 

Find your satisfaction in God,

But how do I get there 

When my flesh is groaning

When society laughs

When fellow believers have given up

And the enemy whispers: “It’s too late”

LOUDER and LOUDER

 

I take a breath, which reminds me again

He is the breath of life

This God of the 11th hour

Who laughs with Sarah,

Who waits three days for resurrection.

 

He who holds time in His hands,

He whispers and calls me beautiful, His bride.

I am reminded that while there is breath there is hope.

So, I shake off the accusations,

Shake off the shame and remind myself

That this is the year of the multiplication of grace and perfection

My 5x7; 7x5

He will perfect all that concerns me,

He will give me grace in the waiting

 

So I hold unto His hand,

Hold unto His promises

As I wait and groan in my 5x7; 7x5

Come

 Lord come and heal my wayward heart

Come set this poisoner free

I want to let go, to let God;

Yet I find it so hard...

Come and let your grace meet me in this place,

this place of darkness, this place of fear.

Meet me in this place of heavy tears and heavy heart.

Let your faithfulness shower the desert of my doubt

I want to see you in this place,

So come and meet me in this place.

Amen

Stuck in the mud

Have you ever felt stuck? Like the game we played in childhood, where you can't move. Just going through the motions, just same old and more same old. You want to move forward but unsure how, you desire change but are scared of the pain that comes with it. So you remain stuck immobile. What keeps us stuck?

It could be a seasonal thing, are like winter where there seems no growth but the growth is happening on the inside. It could be fear, fear of stepping out in faith, of doing something different, of the unknown and of the rejection or the failure  that may come. So we choose to remain stuck. Sometimes there just seem to many choices, and in the desire to choose the best we remain stuck in the valley of indecision.

I believe that God takes us from glory to glory. As 2 Corinthians 3:18 says,  We "are constantly being transfigured into His very own image in ever increasing splendor and from one degree of glory to another" That God has greater things in store for us than living constantly in that place of indecision. I love the advice from my sweet granny, "Make a decision and stick to it". Yes pray about the decision, yes acknowledge God (see Proverbs 3:5-6), then He will straighten our paths. But not making a decision shows that fear is ruling over faith. 

Let us let go of the idea of the perfect choice, the fear that hold us back. Let us allow the Holy Spirit to touch us and free us so we are no longer stuck in the mud. 

May God bless you with freedom to make choices, may He smile upon the choices you make with Him and may He be with you in the decisions you make. 

Beauty of imperfection

Our society hold up perfection as the be all and end all. Every party, every meal seems to need to meet the impossible standard of perfection of the comparison of filtered Instagram pictures. This leads to us putting up masks, not allowing a friend just to pop over without a thorough clean. This leads to us feeling we cannot truly live, and others do not truly know us.

Recently I was creating some art for a friends birthday, and as any artist knows what we have in our mind and what we have on paper never seems to match. As I was doing this I was pondering, "Art is the process of learning to let go of perfection and dealing with what is". I saw a boy do a picture, he kept saying "this isn't great, but it will do.. and I like it" I thought isn't that how all of our lives are, it isn't great or how we want it to be, but we can learn to appreciate it as it is. Because there is beauty in imperfection. 

May the LORD bless you to embrace your imperfections

May He keep you from the comparison trap

May He make His face shine upon you and your imperfect home

And may He give you peace through it all. 

Freedom (poem)

Unlock me is my prayer

Break down the walls, the barriers,

The words spoken over me that hold me back-

Hold me in invisible chains of hurts long past

Of wounds and words that consciously I forgot

Yet there ever present when I try to release my voice, my cry, the gifts inside.

Like a candle unlit, like a present still in its gift box

It is so needed that I break FREE

Break FREE to be all He has called me to be

Break FREE from religious chains; which shout don't do this don't do that.

FREE from fear of man which shouts what will they say?

FREE from performance of I have to be perfect, will I get a gold star and 100 Facebook likes and it's only good of it rhymes.

Lord come with Your truth,

Come with your sword

Come even if it hurts

Cut away the lies that hold me chained like a slave.

Break down the walls that have been built by rejection

Break down the fears that keep my talents hidden in the dirt

Break down the strongholds in my mind

There due to doubt, fear and mistrust.

Heal me of my disappointment and disillusion which lie behind the prison wall

Heal me from the pain of having tried before

Heal me of the lie of having failed

Set me free ...

For those whom the Son sets free are FREE indeed.

Make me like a bird, like a lover never hurt, like a child falling into her daddy's arms

Set me free, so I may set others free.

May my gifts become a lamp for the glory of your name

May all who see my freedom know that there is a God who sets Free

Poem: Set me free

 The past seems to haunt

The enemy taunts

Emotions rage

What is real and what is imagined?

My soul is heavy, too many burdens 

How to explain chains and fears

Are they even real?

Feeling stuck, going round and round

Condemnation, lies, uncertainty.

Just stuck in the mud...

Jesus come set this captive free

Free from chains that I cannot name,

Set me free as a bird to live and glorify your name. 

REJECTION

To a friend and all who have had their heart broken

No.

Not.

Not. Enough.

Never enough

So the lies devour my heart

Not.

Not smart enough.

Not pretty enough.

No.

Not ever enough.

No.

Not you.

Sorry.

Really?!

That's all you can say. 

Violence breathes violence.

Hate breads hate.

Asshole!

Tit for tat.

Take that!!!

The bitter poison enters my heart;

Men are evil.

I will never love.

The darkness takes over...

Then I hear a whisper,

faint as the wind

'I AM'

'I AM ENOUGH'

I chose you,

you are mine. 

You are chosen.

YES,

YES, YOU!

A thousand yeses to you!

Yes I love you. 

Yes I've got you.

Yes I chose you. 

Yes I made you.

Yes and amen!

Yes men are broken, like you,

Hurt people hurt people.

They are not irredeemable.

Come sit by me. 

Let my Yes sink in.

Yes. I love.

Yes. I love you. 

A thousand yeses to you!

I make you smart enough,

beautiful enough

You are enough in my enoughness.

Bring me the shards.

Bring me the lies.

Come sit by me.

Let my love sink in.

Let go of the hate.

Let me in.

Let my love remove the bitter poison

Of unforgiveness in your heart.

I know that underneath your hate,

Underneath your anger

is pain.

Come let me pour over you

My liquid love, my balm of Gilead

Oil for healing, detol for the soul.

Yes.

Yes. You.

Yes I love you

Always and Forever 

it is true.
A thousand yeses to you!

Without fear of the future

I'm writing in a time where everything is uncertain. No-one seems to know up from down, and the world has encountered a pandemic, which has given rise to much panic and much fear. No-one knows how long the COVID-19 crisis will last, or how long the economic effects of this will last. We are all asking ourselves when can we go back to NORMAL? A normal where I can hug whoever I want without a thought, a normal where people can get married, where worshipers can worship freely together in a big crowd. A colleague said we will never go back to normal, but rather to a 'new normal'. 

Yesterday this really sank in for me, that life will never be the same. No-one truly knows what the future holds, whether it be socially or economically. And this caused fear and anxiety to rise up in me, about my job, my dreams, my future. It's a scary thought to know you are not in control. It's not that you haven't faced hard times before;but it was your challenge while the world seemed stable. But now I face a moment in time where the crisis is not mine alone, but everyone around you is facing it too. And that is SCARY!!!

As a counsellor, and Christian I often feel the need to be strong, to have faith. But just because you are a Christian, and even a Christian leader does not mean you are always strong, or don't battle fear, disappointments, questions and doubt. We see even Paul had times of weakness (see 2 Cor 12:10). So yes, currently my faith is feeling a little wobbly!

So I reach for my Bible, and open 'randomly' to Isaiah 30, where verse 15 hits me: “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved." I need to return my heart, my mind away from the worries, fears, questions and refocus on God. I can rest because He is the finisher of my faith (Heb 12:2), the one who turns my weakness to strength (2 Cor 12:10) and is my peace (Eph 2:14). And so I turn my thoughts slowly back unto Jesus.

This morning I walked past a picture of my room based on Proverbs 31:25 "she laughs without fear of the future." And I realize again, that there is only way to live without fear of the future, which is trusting my unknown and uncertain future into the hands of a loving and known God, who has my future in His hands. And so it is my prayer that today in this uncertain day I would be found laughing at the time to come, for my God has got me! And He has got you!

May the peace of God, guard all our hearts and minds as we bring our anxieties to Him in prayer; being thankful that He has the future in His hands and hears our prayers. 

Life is short

I recently had a dream in which I died, when I woke up it made me think of Psalm 90:12 "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." The whole psalm speaks about God being from eternity, and we humans are dust, asking God to make our short days glad with his unfailing love. 

I have recently turned thirty-three, roughly the age Jesus died. So I have been thinking a bit about death, but thinking of death helps us think about life. I want to live each day aware of His presence and love, be found doing kingdom work. I do not want to waste my time, but to be found "redeeming the time, because the days are evil." (Ephesians 5:16). I want to accomplish the task and the calling God has for me. I want to finish all God has sent me to do on this earth. I desire to see more of heaven and God's realm on the earth in my life and those around me. May His kingdom invade earth wherever I go. 

This is why Psalm 90 ends in the following way, "May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us—yes, establish the work of our hands."

"Lead me Oh Lord, to use my days wisely, may you fill my heart with gladness all my days on this earth, may all who meet me get a touch, a taste and a fragrance of You. Help me to number my days, that I may gain a heart of wisdom. Satisfy me with your love, that I may be glad all my days. Amen"

Sunflowers

I love sunflowers :D one of the reasons is that sunflowers turn their heads to face towards the sun (see here for the Science). When I think of this I think of how in my mind, heart and all my being I should follow the Son- Jesus Christ. The bible puts it this way "Let us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from beginning to end." Heb 12:2 (GNT). In a world filled with so many distractions, with  desires screaming out and the business of life - we forget to look to the One who gives life, and who sustains our life. Let's take a moment, to fix our gaze on the one who causes us to grow. 

This idea is echoed in Psalm 96:9 "O worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness: fear before him, all the earth" (KJV). This shows that the LORD is beautiful, we are to reverently worship Him y keeping our hearts and minds fixed on Him, which brings us peace (see Isa 26:3).

May God bless you as you look upon His beauty

May God keep you in the fear of the LORD

May His Face shine upon you as you follow Him

May he be gracious to you

And may He grant you peace as you trust Him

Broken cisterns

Where do you drink from? What is your source of life, hope and peace?💦 Maybe on a good day, when you are being 'spiritual' you will say Jesus. But hit some bumpy roads and you start realizing that you depend on things other than God. Maybe it is a friend or spouse, or maybe it can even be an object like a phone or a car. It could be a 'good' thing like a certain life group. So what is wrong with depending on these. In essence all things mentioned here are good and can be considered gifts from God. But what happens if you're friend passes away, your spouse files for divorce, your car breaks beyond repair or cellphone gets stolen. Sadly that's all part of life and when these happens you are rattled. And you realize that maybe you did depend on someone or something other than God to bring you happiness.

Jeremiah 2: 13 says “For My people have committed two evils: They have abandoned (rejected) Me, the fountain of living water, and they have carved out their own cisterns, Broken cisterns That cannot hold water." This speaks of forsaking the living water and going after broken cisterns. A cistern is a well, imagine trying to get water from a well with a broken bucket. Yes you get drops here and there, but ultimately it leaves you dry, empty and thirsty. That's what happens when we look to anything other than God to fill us. We get drops here and there but ultimately remain dry, empty, and wanting more. So let's drink from the true fountain of life that never runs dry. ⛲

May God bless you with being satisfied in Him,

May He keep you in His loving arms forever,

May His face shine upon you through the bumps 

And may He give you peace.

Im in need

Im in need for a touch from above

Im in need of the gentle whisper that restores my soul

Im in need of your love

Im in need oh Lord, touch me with your coal

I am poor and needy,

Yes come with the living water

Im the one who needs to be freed

Come break every chain 

Im tired and weary, need rest for my soul

I strip away the mask of pride,

Come as i am - broken & in need of a touch

Bring healing as I reach to You above

Come Spirit, touch, restore, remove every yoke

Oh Lord Im in need of a touch from above

Erika Filter

"Jesus had compassion"

The world is broken, I am broken, you are broken. We are all broken and hurting. You just need to look around - the teenager burdened with depression, the woman with an empty womb, the person burdened by the alcoholic, the young woman who has lost her mother, the person struggling in their marriage, the crime, the hate, the pain. We all have secrets or guilt or shame or lies or stories we prefer to hide in the dark cupboards of our hearts.


So what is the answer? When I was younger I would pray for the solution, ie health, a job, a marriage, a child etc. But as I grow older I wander if the answer is not the solution, but to find God in the pain. Before healing Jesus had compassion.

Mat 20:34 "So Jesus had compassion on them, and touched their eyes: and immediately their eyes received sight, and they followed him." Wow!!! Jesus had compassion. The Bible also speaks of how Jesus was moved by compassion (see Matt 14:14).

I don't know what you are going through... I know this life is hard, and in a sense its meant to be since we were made for more than this (aka heaven). I know we have a choice concerning the brokenness we see and experience, we can harden our hearts or we can choose compassion as our loving saviour did.

God bless you with eyes to see and be moved by compassion.

May the Lord keep you in His loving arms.

May He make His face shine upon you in this uncertain world. And may He give you peace in spite of the storms.